Two opposite poles are required for partners to feel drawn to each other and for the fire of desire to burn.  We always need to have a look at polarity when working with a couple. The stronger the poles, the stronger the sexual attraction. When I teach people to polarize and create poles, it feels magical at times. Sometimes, as soon as you understand and apply the principle of polarization, you immediately strike a spark in the relationship. The kind of spark that lovers feel when they first meet, or the passionate months of the honeymoon that so often fade away over time.

How can this be achieved? Relationship polarization is not a matter of chance or magic, but something that can be consciously created and nurtured with proper understanding and practice.

The greatest application of the tantric principle of polarization is found in relationships. Regardless of whether we are dealing with a heterosexual or homosexual couple, two poles are needed for a spark to exist.

The paradox of opposites: a successful relationship works on different principles than great sex

The same aspects that make a relationship successful can harm our sex life if we are not aware that sexual attraction and a good love relationship require diametrically opposed skills and behaviours.

• We build a relationship on similarities.  
• Sexual arousal is created by differences.

The bigger the difference, the hotter the sex gets (as every woman who has ever dated the “wrong guy” knows).

What makes a good relationship?

For a relationship to be successful, the more there is that connects people, the better. Common goals, friends, interests, religious and political views, and daily preferences combine to create a harmonious partnership. When we first meet someone romantically, everything is brand new. Most of us remember the delicious first weeks of chatting until late, sharing stories, opinions and plans. We discover what we have in common and it is exciting to discover a shared love for Italian music or Asian cuisine.

There is so much to discover in the early stages of getting to know each other; sex is exciting, the promise of deepening intimacy is exciting, and the relationship dynamics are still being defined. At this stage, the possibilities seem endless. Long walks, weekends in bed, frequent texting, phone calls, and dating feel like an adventure.

Over time, the couple gets to know each other better. Develops routines, has mutual friends and activities, and learns all their best and worst stories. Perhaps they share an apartment and they spend more and more time together.

How a spark arises and disappears

The novelty is over and, if all goes well, a harmonious relationship built on togetherness emerges. Oftentimes, the relationship is nowadays linked to the stress of daily living, business, or having children. At one point, the couple finds themselves at home on a Saturday night, in sweatpants on the couch, watching their favourite show, lovingly touching, but without any sexual impetus or attraction.

The important thing to know here is that the decrease of attraction is not a sign of relationship failure. A relationship can be super supportive and loving, and yet there is no spark to it. The lost spark is caused by fellowship, intimacy, and excessive time spent together without a conscious purpose.

“Relationship work” and the spark  

Most people, including some couple counsellors, try to deal with the dimming spark by “working on the relationship”. Paradoxically, this can backfire, causing frustration and discouragement. Relational problems are problems related to the lack of communication skills, the inability to set boundaries, as well as the lack of common ground. It may happen that the values and beliefs do not coincide, or they do not coincide any more, or the partners have different lifestyles, preferences regarding touch, sex, religion, money and, most often, communication problems – basically all matters that fall under the “irreconcilable differences” in a divorce court.

It is important to know that good relationships and keeping the sexual spark alive are actually different problems with different solutions. This distinction alone has helped many of my clients enormously.

When partners spend too much time together and pursue the same goals in business, with children or socially, they inevitably begin to harmonize with each other. There are fewer and fewer differences, which in the sexual context result in a lack of erotic friction, and without it, there can be no spark.

Mechanics of sexual attraction

Sexual attraction is based on completely different principles than relationships. Harmonious relationship is based on similarity, sexual attraction is based on difference. The stronger the difference and the farther the two poles are from each other, the greater the sexual tension. This is the polarity that creates erotic friction, which in turn raises the temperature in the relationship. It arises when two different people meet and polarize, instead of fighting again for the sake of eroticism. We often see couples who have a controversial, volatile relationship, but a great, active sex life.

Does this mean that if you have a great relationship, you are doomed to boring sex and reduced attraction? The answer is yes and no. It’s not easy to find someone to be compatible with and have a harmonious, loving relationship, so the relationship aspect should always take precedence over everything else.

Recovering the spark, or even better, keeping the spark alive, is much easier as it is a set of principles and skills that can be learned. With some knowledge and a little discipline, a couple can maintain a strong attraction throughout the relationship. 

During individual sessions and workshops for couples we are working on polarization, rebuilding masculinity and femininity, and hence, reviving the spark in the bedroom.